Happy Birthday Sydney

Dear Syd,

One year, seven months and 2 days since I held you last…but who’s counting? Me. Seven months has come and gone since I wrote you last. So much missed; your graduation, planning your graduation party, your classmates parties, summer fun with your friends, getting in trouble with your friends, fighting with your brother, birthday celebrations, family vacation, family pictures, starting college, getting to vote in your first Presidential Election, Thanksgiving, Christmas…the list goes on and on. And now, another birthday, number 19.  

Our lives continue to have a new meaning, a new purpose, a new normal. We are doing “good.” Good in our lives means something different now, but we are good. We miss your energy, your smile, your laughter and even some of that teenage attitude you brought to our family. Our life goes on. It’s not the same with the emptiness we hold inside but we manage to make it through each day by God’s grace. He is the reason I can still smile, knowing that you are in His amazing presence. 

Your dad, Jack and I have experienced every symptom of grief. Unfortunately some more than others, again and again and will continue too. It comes with its challenges. We don’t experience it in the same way or at the same time. Fortunately, we balance each other out.  I told some friends of mine that I could be in a crowded room full of wonderful, supportive friends and yet still feel so alone, so isolated, and so different from everyone else. Our world became so much smaller, so compressed, that you feel this heaviness to breathe at times. Life changed. We worry less about the little things. When your dad and I got married, our Pastor’s message was, “don’t sweat the small stuff.” I get it now.

 A blessing in my life has been BSF (Bible Study Fellowship) and the study on the book of John.  I wasn’t sure if I wanted to do the study or not but my bible study leader, Marijo, took me out for a walk and man was she convincing. She asked me, “wouldn’t you like to learn more from John who Jesus is and who Sydney’s with?” That’s all it took for me. Heck yes I want to know who you’re with. I feel as though the book of John speaks directly to me and I’m right where I need to be. One of the messages from last week was. “Sometimes God allows suffering so He and His work can be revealed.” Well, that sucks now doesn’t it for anyone that has to suffer? Why did I have to suffer losing you to prove that He loves me? Seriously God?  Then I remember His son suffered and died for me so that I can one day be with you again forever. We all suffer with something in varying degrees. 

We’ll be celebrating you here Sydney. Happy Birthday in your heavenly world. You are so missed.

Love you always and forever,

Mom