My heart is so heavy today. We have learned that a 17 year old boy in Texas, just finished his junior year of high school, is fighting for his life. I don’t know all of the details but I do know he had his wisdom teeth surgery on Tuesday and is fighting for his life today. I will forever live those six days that Sydney was in the hospital but when I hear this kind of news, the numbness all comes back. I’m numb for what his family is going through, for what they will go through, and for this unwanted journey that they never could have anticipated or foreseen. His family and friends are praying for a miracle. We say, NEVER GIVE UP. This week has been hard enough on us but hearing that another child, another family is suffering because of this procedure, is just unfathomable. There have been strides made in the dental industry but obviously not enough and there is a lot more to be done to keep our children safe. Please pray for Austin Silva and his family.
It all hit me hard on the 8th…the reality that it’s been two years. I think the first year, and to be honest this year too, I continue to live in this fog. I’ve driven long enough that I know how to navigate through fog, but when you’re in the thick of it, sometimes you struggle to find your way out of it. I’m scared and I know I have to put my trust in God to get me through this time. When I was pregnant with you, I couldn’t relax until you were actually born. I couldn’t bear to lose another child at birth. Of course I continued to worry every day after that anyway. Two years ago, you were 17, just finished your junior year, were having your wisdom teeth removed right when summer break started, had your senior pictures scheduled at the end of June, looked forward to a Taylor Swift concert…and the list goes on. Fast forward to now. Jack is 17, just finished his junior year, leaving on a trip to Europe at the beginning of summer break, senior pictures scheduled in July, looking forward to a concert…Lord help me, I need to get through June and then maybe I can take a deep breath. Crazy. It all seems to familiar, too much of a repeat and I don’t think I could survive a repeat. My friend however reminded me, “Jack’s NOT having his wisdom teeth removed. I can understand you see similarities, but there is one major thing he’s not doing.” I know this has all been on the back of your brother’s mind too which breaks my heart. He said, “mom, I’ve already lived longer than Sydney by a month.” I’ve heard from other grieving moms how this has had the same effect on their other living children. I hate that we have to live through these milestones. I’ve managed to turn that fear over to God, but this week I’ve haven’t done a great job. It was a gloomy/rainy day this morning, one of those mornings to sleep in. I wasn’t in the mood to go to church but managed to get myself moving. Pastor Lillejord spoke about Psalm 121, “I lift up my eyes to the hills – from where will my help come? My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth.” And then he said, “you can’t do it on your own.” Dang it. Why is it He…and he always know what I need to hear?
I continue to learn that grief has no timing. I can take as much time as I want. I’m learning how to move forward…even-though I may fall backwards at times. I’ve had to learn I can be happy while my heart still hurts and longs for you. I am happy that Jack makes me laugh but can absolutely make me crazy too. I’m sad that we didn’t get to do all the things you should have done your senior year but I will look forward to making it the best I can for Jack.
We’re going to celebrate your 2nd Heavenly year with your friends again on the 15th making your buttermilk pancakes. We continue to be blessed by the presence of all your friends and love them all dearly. They miss you greatly. Jack celebrated your heavenly birthday last weekend by having Amanda’s initials and your initials tattooed on his arm. He too misses you.
Now starts the thirds of everything.
Please watch over your brother as he travels and keep him safe.
Love you more,
Thank you to all who continue to pray, call, text, send us cards, let us talk, cry and remember Syd. We are grateful for our amazing family and friends, near and far. Every day that we have with each other is a blessing.